1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
