girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
