You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
