Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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