I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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