Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize