it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
