Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
