Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
