so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
