What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
