Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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