we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
