i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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