I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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