He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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