Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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