Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
