so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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