i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
