I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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