a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
