the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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