I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize