This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
