If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
