Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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