Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
