It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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