I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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