My room smells like vodka and shame
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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