I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
