and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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