come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
