Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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