I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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