My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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