There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize
