My friends, they love my intelligence
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
