You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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