I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
