Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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