PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
