Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
