You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
