What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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