Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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