He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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