why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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