I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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