jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I supernannyed him into submission
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
