I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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