I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
